I am trying so hard to climb the social ladder but you somehow I can’t past the second rung. Why?
A good racking of the brain offered me some answers.
Speak hard English, using bombastic phrases and big colorful words for small ones but which somehow sound too simple. Quote writers of today like John Grisham or JK Rowling, or some of old like Ernest Hemingway and Roald Dahl. You should also take paragraphs from magazines like the Financial Times or the Guardian and quote them a bit carelessly when in conversation with folks who you think (and know) have no clue about them.
Keep in mind that social media networking is big- don’t limit your circles to Twitter and Facebook, that’s so long ago. Talk Instagram, SnapChat, Flickr (just make sure you memorize that pronunciation well, ok?)
How about alluding to some very clever folks you came across on those networks? Mention bloggers like Sharon Mundua (gotta know her name now) of “This is Ess” Mrisho and Robert Alai and what they confess to and mention how you subscribe their Youtube channels.
Follow “important” people on your Facebook and Twitter pages- people like President Uhuru Kenyatta, Chameleone, Christiane Amanpour, retweet and respond to their tweets once in a while (of course they won’t reply, but so what?).
Stride into the office with a branded mug of hot coffee- like Turkish Airways or Etihad. Actually, you could pass by Javas on your way to work and have them fill a recyclable paper cup with a latte macchiato. (You know you could also always refill that cup as you strut into the office every morning).
It is also advisable to order pizza to be delivered at lunchtime and to make sure that the box comes in just as your pals are about to go out and eat at that same drab place they eat at every day. Oh, that pizza could occasionally be delivered with a milkshake as well. However, when you do chance out for that their lunch, make sure to stroll there and back with the crew that everyone calls the ITs.
On some days you should carry at least five clear (I must emphasize- cute, for the ladies) lunch boxes of fresh fruit. Kiwi in one, sliced apples in another. Then pawpaw, pineapple and diced beetroot in the others.
Don’t be rocking to Ugandan music in your car, it must be some Chris Brown, Justin Bieber or Rihanna’s latest. Do jazz in the evenings, it shows you are in touch with your tunes.
Be wearing jeans brands like Levis, Benetton, Diesel- not some random made-in-China cloth specifically manufactured for third world countries.
And when you’re throwing words around, remember that pronunciation is key so it must be Ayraq not Eeraq (Iraq), Rawte not Ruut (Route) and Feenance not Fainansi (Finance).
Now, when you’re referring to your childhood adventures, the places you’ve lived, if its not “I grew up in Arusha”, relieve memories of the green, leafy areas of upmarket Kampala- the Kololos and Tank Hill Muyengas. Air of sophistication. Aight?
When it comes to countries you can remember visiting——— when someone else starts talking about the parking lot at Oliver Tambo airport in South Africa, dismiss them with a wave of the hand as you gush about the automated lifts that transport your car up to the parking space in Bangkok (Oh by the way, knowing the capital is a must, it somehow sounds so nice when it rolls of the tongue).
The hard drinks you've conquered must be listed starting with Johnny Walker, then Black Label. Like that… in that order… keep off the Beckams and Coffee Spirits of this our “Manufactured in Kawempe” factories.
Make sure you occasionally mention the cars you’ve cruised. Do it like this: “I called the manufacturers of Mercedes Benz when the glove compartment refused to close.” Or define the brands you know with precision. Like this: “My cousin took his BMW X5M to Kabale doing 500mph”. The more single letters and numbers you use, the more up-the-ladder you end up sounding. Don’t be talking Japanese brands like Premios and Noahs and their low gas guzzling abilities.
Javas, Nandos are for fast food like fries (bambi don’t call them “chips”), burgers and generous slices of Black Forest gateau.
And when the situation requires you to sound more world-traveller-like, throw in some “Tamarai, its a Thai place”, or Meditteraneo for Italian cuisine.
You don't just “fwaaly” waste your nightlife dancing at Ambiance- its gotta be Silk Oxygen, Guvnor or the mysterious Panamera.
Exercise at Hilton’s Uzima Body Spa or at Sheraton’s Health Club. It sounds better when you say “health club” actually. It doesn't matter if you're just going to hang out there for 10 minutes, make sure you leave the office looking fabulous in pretty pink gym pants (for the ladies), rattle your car keys a bit, just so the guys at the office know that you’re about to depart for the gymnasium.
Your evening diary should consist of attending fellowships to “map ways” to help the disadvantaged, discussing money in investment groups, or “putting your heads together" for the best baby shower we can give Naggundi.
Talking about baby showers, get an up-market hotel and choose a theme color. Don’t buy (or accept for that matter) cheap gifts like baby potties or packets and packets of clothes pegs. If you’re the expectant mother, write a gift list for Nakumatt supermarket or Quality Supermarket Lubowa where the ladies can buy kiddies tablets, womb sleeping swaddles, car seats and books the bouncing baby will read when they’re six. Y’know?
Who are the neighbors kids you played hopscotch with, and who came to your birthday parties? The Kibuukas, the Habara's and the Kutonsas. That “s” at the end is crucial when you want to sound rich background. Not these our Maama Lihanna things.
Now, where do you hang out on Saturdays when you’re wearing your three-quarter pants and polo shirts. Kampuski kafunda in Kalerwe? Nawe naaah! That’s way down there. Kyaddondo rugby club in an ascot cap (baseball caps are so off), or a fedora.
Its advisable to shop in the early evenings. So that when you park the BMW X5M in the parking lot at Shoprite/ Game Lugogo, you will walk out pushing shopping carts laden with brown grocery bags filled with French loaves peeping from the top.
What about the phone you’re holding? Its okay to aspire for the iPhone 7 but if you have a Samsung Galaxy S6, then you’re on the right path. Just make sure its nothing near a small phone like those Nokia ka-torchis or Blackberrys of years ago.
Occasionally use words like “au revoir” or “subiri” because these are foreign languages, and delving into a foreign language could raise you up another rung or two, especially if the language is from Europe and its many seasons or from Dar-es-Salaam. Don’t be babbling about “kugyenda hari” and “maama nze woooowweee".
Who said Ugandans don’t go on holiday? Go, even if its once in two years, just so you can take some pics of you arriving at Entebbe Airport, you eating spiced rice and scones on the Ethiopian Airlines plane, you seeing the clouds, you arriving at your destination, you sipping mojitos at some random beach, you standing outside an ancient monument and you feeding birds at London square.
Sweetie, when red-carpet events beckon you to Serena, go. Somehow, you could end up being photographed for the tabloids and having a colorful caption giving you some talkability for days.
Now, whatsapp groups are a must. Facebook as well. There’s so much space on the Rich Club Babes or the Gentle Gentlemen groups.
And when the day is done, go to bed tired but not without posting a picture of you having a late night goblet of red wine as you unwind. On Instagram of course.
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