#TaxiDont's

too tall...

This has been my taxi scrutiny week. You meet all sorts of interesting characters (ok, some are not) in these our 14-seater passenger taxis. Like the slightly-drunk middle-aged man who imagined he could chat up his co-passenger. She was clearly bored. Lucy Parwot also had her fair share, with girls munching on bananas and boiled eggs. So, I came up with my list of DON’TS when individuals are using these our taxis. I’ll keep it sane...

DO NOT dose off and allow yourself to dribble.

DO NOT sleep so hard that your head lands on your co-passenger’s shoulder.

DO NOT sleep and talk. You could say some pretty embarrassing things.

DO NOT- actually, NEVER- eat the following foods in taxis. Overripe ffene, boiled eggs, bogoya or nsenene mixed with raw onions. Groundnuts and pineapples can pass. But…

DO NOT sing loudly when you have earphones on. DO NOT sing loudly when you have earphones on. DO not SING LOUDLY when you have earphones on!!

DO NOT have loud conversations on your phone, or get overly excited or agitated when talking to someone other passengers in the taxi can’t hear. FYI, overhead cellphone conversations are annoying. And DO NOT lie about your locations. Mbu “Ndi Masaka” when you are in Kasangati and the conductor is outside calling “Kampala! Kampala!”

DO NOT play your phone radio bila earphones. Its very irritating when your Super FM is competing with the taxi’s CBS FM which the driver has turned on so loud, he can’t hear when you shout “mu maaso awo!”

DO NOT take up half the seat. Learn how to sit with other people. These seats are for three people only. (ok, the conductors sometimes squeeze four on, and then stand over you and panic when they see a traffic policeman)

DO NOT try to strike up conversations with strangers. If you’re really itching to say something, let it be short small talk, and for God’s sake, let sense come outta ya mouth. Not everybody likes to share sensitive info about husbands who have abandoned the home. And how Besigye should abandon his “defiancy” campaign.

DO NOT fling open the window on a cold morning or chilly night. Or when I’m sitting next to you and and I have spent hours arranging my hair.

DO NOT (oh!oh!oh!) -if you are seated in the back seat- attempt to strike up and sustain a conversation with someone sitting at the front with the driver. Especially if you are going on a long journey.

DO NOT imagine you will enter the taxi with five kids and want to pay for only one seat. Uh-uh. I understand travel is costly, but ask me kindly and I will let one sit on my lap. Just DO NOT force them into that little space where four legs are supposed to sit.

DO NOT- when you sitting behind someone, and suddenly feel sleepy- use the headrest of the person in front of you. Be considerate. Lean back and use yours.

Please TRY NOT to step on other people’s feet or clean shoes as you struggle to go past them.

DO NOT keep mum when the driver is speeding and overtaking like a madman. Especially in a black spot. Some people attack the one brave passenger who has the “guts” to remind the driver that they still value their lives and do not want to become statistics- mbu “four people have been killed in a taxi accident.”

DO NOT open your mouth when you are drunk. This taxi is not a bar where all the waitresses have become your girlfriends.

DO NOT haggle with the conductor when you are already halfway the journey, or when you say “mu maaso awo!” Bargain before you get on so you don't waste other passengers' valuable time.

DO NOT gossip loudly about someone else because your “badness” will be on display, however smartly-dressed you are. TRY NOT burst into loud insane laughter. Other people do not see the fun like you.

And for heaven’s sake, DO NOT imagine you are the taxi driver and tell him how to drive and which shortcuts to take.