#whowillmyMPbe?

The first time I really heard Apollo Kantinti speak was when he was recovering from the shock of being kicked out of Parliament. In the one year that he enjoyed the perks and benefits that come from being an Honorable, before the rug was rudely pulled from under his feet, he did not say a single word in the House. At least I did not get to hear one. Not as the shadow minister for information and communication, or on the committee of physical infrastructure on which he was a member.
Actually when Bukedde newspaper did a post-mortem on the first year of the 10th Parliament, the article (17th May 2017) entitled ‘ … Baabano ababaka abavumbedde’, Kantinti’s name appeared 7th on the list of those who have let moss grow in their mouths. They said they had combed through the Hansard for records on what contribution the legislators had made.
And when I googled the name Apollo Kantinti, the first two pages of results showed something about losing the election, being kicked out of Parliament and so many other words to mean the same thing.
But no, Apollo is not challenged by the English language, I actually think he is a good orator.
Since the rude awakening, he has found his voice and can be heard fighting for his departed power on TVs and radios, arguing about this and about that.
Kantinti opened his campaign at the Wampeewo Football Grounds brandishing a key. FDC had decided to abandon poor Muwada Nkunyingi and go with him. I tell you, Kantinti pulled in all the bigwigs. His wife, Kizza Besigye, Nandala Mafabi. Even Wasswa Birigwa came along and pulled some extraordinary dancing strokes, twisting his thickening waist this-a-way and that-a-way, doing a rendition of the running man from the ‘70s, a cocktail of the rumba, chacha and foxtrot, and shaking his shoulders like a go-go dancer. But he didn't attempt the paka chini which could have been a big disaster. Imagine if he had sunk right there on the wooden stage and never gotten up.
Kantinti managed to hook a ‘big fish’ in the name of Buchaman, Bobi Wine’s former ally. It could be a revenge game however. I mean, Buchaman once complained that in their ghetto days, Bobi Wine would feast on huge platters of chicken and chips and leave the crew to binge on air-pies.
So on the day of unveiling, Buchaman was up on stage, waving his crutch in the air, carrying a bulky waist bag. He was saying words like “Chali”, “Araali”, "Mwana”.

I can identify the house in the background. Big, grandiose and abandoned, the only light comes from the switch for the bell outside the gate.
Kantinti says the Electoral Commission cost him this election. Hearing Kantinti bash Sitenda Sebalu about not doing anything during the five years he was in parliament. REALLY??!!
Kantinti has a campaign song, a female singer. “Amazima y’ono, bannange, y’ono Kantinti!”

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In May, Robert Kyagulanyi better known as Bobi Wine, made the earth-shattering decision to shed his thick, shaggy, untidy locks. Parliamentary ambitions. God must have been smiling down on him because in last August, he had enrolled for a law degree at a local university.
A picture on the Internet shows him in Bad Boy pose, one hand tucked into his trouser pocket, the other carrying a holdall, his white shirt is untucked, the top button open, black skinny tie in place. The rebellious look is completed by dark glasses concealing his eyes.
That bad boy image has since been replaced by well-fitting suits and jackets, a clean-shaven face, and polished shoes. The transformation is a result of the overwhelming desire to sit in that prestigious house and make laws for this country.
He is the Mubanda w’a Kabaka, the Ghetto President on the inside, and an altar convert on the outside.
He has also remembered that his name is Robert Sentamu Kyagulanyi, just in case the voter looks for ‘Bobi Wine’ on the ballot sheet.
And even when the FDC party, whose former President Kizza Besigye with whom he condoled and played the guitar for when he was put under house arrest after the Presidential election in Feb 2016, said it would not ‘put its behind’ on him, Bobi was not fazed. He just held his head high and did his thing.
This Bobi Boy has done things- from dancing on top a moving car (traffic police did ‘not' see this), downing mugoyo on a plastic plate with his son Kampala, swallowing steaming katogo ka mukene n’a matooke, to bounding out of the gate of his palatial mansion to go and greet the voters in Magere where he stays. He has talked himself hoarse, allowed his lips to become dry, smiled widely for people he cannot see, done free concerts with the aid of fellow musicians, and endured the hangers-on who flock his house night and day, and turn his compound into a grazing green of sorts.
Councillor Eddobozi ly'eKyebando in his red-tie has joined the campaign, David Lutalo has crooned along, Hilderman has growled, Gashumba has lectured. Even the up and coming artistes- the likes of the Parrots and Baby Snakes - have been allowed to show off their talent to the mesmerized crowd.
Barbie, Bobi’s significant other has made it a point to dress up as a prospective Member of Parliament’s wife. One time it is the traditional busuuti, other times its a shift dress that perfectly shows off her trim figure.
She does a small Queen Elizabeth-like wave (careful not to twist the wrist) to the potential votes. Other times she sends flying kisses to the eager faces looking up at them, placing hand patriotically over her chest in a kind of “Oh wowwww!” appreciation.
The scores of hoods keep watch over her and the Ghetto President as they run along the car. The huge truck that accompanies the candidate on the hunt is filled with all sorts of human beings, some bare, hairy-chested, perched precariously in that place where trailer drivers pack matooke and sacks of maanda.
Bobi says he is representing the downtrodden. The bodaboda rider, the ‘kanaabe' car-washer, the chali in the ghetto with whom they shared good times as they downed glass after glass of the bitter, the market mama, the taxi tout who spends his days opening and closing doors for people.
Bobi and Barbie Doll have endured grown men with Dikuula-like bottoms who twerk and grind at the camera. Even the cutex man with his plastic tray has joined the fray, instead of painting designs on women’s toenails. The groundnut hawker takes takes advantage of the traffic caused by Omubanda’s convoy and makes a killing.
Most of the time, Bobi strides along, a swagger in his step, saying nothing, his mouth set in a lock. His security men are decked in green aprons with ‘Security Team Bobi Wine’, shoving and pushing people out of his way.
His most faithful flunky is Tony, the Kasangati town council mayor, whose shirts are always open to show some chest. God, has he sunk this low? The Mayor makes sure he has a strategic place on Bobi’s stage, sometimes smiling on and looking a bit silly.

If Bobi had hangers-on in the ghettos of Kamwokya, the ones in Kyadondo East cannot be matched.
For these 25 or so days, they have had something positive to wake up to, to ride on the trailer and swing their legs.
Bobi has done a good job with his posters and flyers compared to the other candidates. I mean, Sowedi Kayongo had a lonely poster all through his interview.
If the Ghetto President has always ignored advice from all the older people who implored him to give up on sada, this vote hunt has surely humbled him. He has sat down on the ground and listened to wise words from an old woman. Another man in Magere warned him about people who promise him votes “verbly”. Yes, verbly.
The search has taken him to Kyadondo East’s families-that-matter, and to the mosque where he has done wuzu from a Butto jerrican. Wash behind the ears, the hair, the feet, the hands.
In Kiteezi, a man, a fattido wearing a faded Museveni t-shirt, a bottle of Beckham gin in his hand, danced something like reggae in between cars, his big stomach jigging like jelly. A woman was screaming “Kyagulanyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Bodas hooted crazily dragging branches along (whatever happened to preservation of green?), doing impossible feats in the dust, and forgetting that they make up most of the cases that are admitted to Mulago hospital’s casualty ward. A weather-beaten Peugeot 404 with PALA PALA painted on its body was weaving across the field, raising huge clouds of dust, and some dare-devil hanging on for dear life.


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Enter Omwana w’Omulaalo.
William Sitenda Sebalu’s claim to fame is based on the fact that he took Kantinti to the courts, which then dismissed his election after it found that the Electoral Commission did not comply with electoral laws. Lots of playing around with the word ‘elect’... eh?
He came second in the 2016 election but being the ‘bad’ loser that he is, he immediately ran to the courts.
By the way, where is his wife? There was that story in the Kampala Sun that insinuated something about his wives being sisters. It is not my place to do lugambo now, but…, like pastors, this is the chance to show off that one who stole your heart, that one who cooks you breakfast katogo, the one who irons for you, the one who 'presses' your campaign wounds away at the end of the day, and listens to you bubbling your shit about “Abalonzi bano!”.
NRM started this campaign with a war cry, saying that the race for this seat would be a battle between President Museveni and Dr. Besigye, whose home is in Kyadondo East, and promising to whop FDC’s bottom till it was raw with red. Oh, the damage it would inflict! That remains to be seen.
That event was marked at a popular club in Kasangati with a row of dancers in the trademark yellow t-shirts shaking to traditional drums and kicking up a lot of dust. The crowd consisted mainly of middle-aged women wearing t-shirts over their other t-shirts and busuutis, sitting on a row of plastic chairs and sipping on mineral water, looking coy, and unconvinced that they were following the right candidate.

One man admitted that he had not voted for Sitenda in the last election, but promised that he would vote this time because Sitenda had once shipped in bunches of matooke and sold it to them at 2,000 shillings!

Omwana w'Omulaalo took to the front in an oversized coat. He sang praises about the chairman of the Paaate NRM, and the close relationship they had. He made promises about the tarmacking the Kira to Matugga road; about using the constituency fund to finance upcoming artistes, and that “Bobi Wine would head that committee”! I hope good Bobi did not hear that.
He made it clear that “Kizza Besigye was not popular in this area’. He showed off the banene banene like Minister Rose Seninde and “omukyala ono ava mu Siteeti Awusi”, before he was made to kneel down and was prayed for and lectured like a little boy.
The Paaate’s SG Lumumba reiterated the damage they would inflict on FDC, and that if things went out of hand, they would “take the law in our hands”. She spoke as Sitenda stood close by, laboring under the party flag on a wooden staff.
Then the dance opened and the coyness flew out the window. Legs and waists became liquid as the muziki took hold.
And just the other day, according to New Vision, NRM stalwart Gertrude Njuba threw a small spanner in the works, declaring that she would never support Sitenda because she has doubts about how he won the primaries, and how her late husband went to his grave with Sitenda never paying the money he owed him.
If he thought that FDC was the threat, he better think again.

This young lawyer Nkunyingi Muwada has really outdone himself this time round.
He didn't let the fact that FDC opted for Kantinti over him dampen his spirit.
His campaign has been peppered with all sorts of drama-filled episodes from carrying a 20-liter jerrycan filled with water on his head, throwing dice on a Ludo board with scores of ‘supporters, sitting in the dust as he literally 'wails' about the deplorable state of the roads in this constituency, and making promise after promise about how these will be things of the past when he is in Parliament.
The man has cleaned roadside drains, traversed the kilns to converse with brick-layers, bought bananas from village duukas, hawked cheap socks and hankies on a panty-peg hung from his neck, and eaten katogo k’a muwogo in tonninyira—— all in his dark-colored velvet coats which he sometimes wraps around his lean waist.

Muwada must have a lot of balls (pun intended) because he has one on every occasion- as he jigs away on top of his Noah, sorts green grams on a kadeeya, or sweeps a dusty school yard with the students. The man has even promised to eat a rat!
And his small army of faithful bakuyeges kneel as he kneels, they clap along as makes his pleas, and carry his posters on his door-to-door campaigns.
He sometimes forgets himself and gives the camera a sly side eye. A real drama king this one.


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Then there is Sowedi Kayongo Male, the doctor from Wattuba parish. He describes himself as a health worker. I thought people loved to throw that “Doctor” title around. Hmmm… I may be wrong. I did not witness his nomination, but the picture in the New Vision newspapers shows him decked out in a pristine white tuxedo.
The media has largely ignored him, preferring to take their television cameras and tape recorders to those they brand the 'front-runners'- the Bobis, Sitendas, Kantintis and Muwadas of this world.
In his only interview so far, he told the TV reporter that coverage in the media was hard.
The under-dog, the little-known candidate admits a funding problem, but is quick to add that though he may not be as popular as those front-runners, he will surely give them a run for their money.
He is also tired of sitting in the passenger seat, and wants to be the driver.
By the way, he is not moved by large gatherings. And he says that he’s not fazed by the other contestants because, “Everybody had their cards on Hillary Clinton. And see what happened!”
The Hajji also hates the commercialization of politics.
In this TV interview, it is very obvious that he got out the best suit after the tuxedo, gathered his small crowd of campaign agents- I can identify one as the sumbusa seller’s son (who now wears trousers)- and they walk around the village as they greet and shake people’s hands and tell them to vote Kayongo.

His campaign agent acknowledges that they may not be in the media but they are on the ground. That “we have the mathematics well-calculated and well- motivated and other contestants have misread the barometer.” Good PCM student this one. 
Sowedi then proceeds to announce that he is giving out free treatment at his Iqra medical center in Wattuba. 
The camera pans across an empty room where the bakuyege are gathered at his feet as he sits on the only chair present.
(Kayongo was my son’s doctor 20 years ago, treating him for all sorts of ailments and allowing to give his poor grandmother treatment on banja.)
But—— he knows he is sweeping the vote by 80%.

The only woman in the race was a non-starter and I wonder why she even declared her interest in the first place. Ms. Babirye Kamoome of the Democratic Party, that party that couldn't even field its own candidate in the presidential election, and went with Amama Mbabazi who collected a paltry 130,000 votes countrywide, decided that it would be better for Kamoome to opt out and let them put their ‘behinds' (as they are wont to do) behind a stronger candidate to defeat Na Ra Ma, the Paaate.

So, what sort of representative am I looking for?
What sort of MP do I want?
What do I want from my MP?
One who makes empty promises of paying my children’s school fees once he is in the august House; one who will go to Parliament and only warm the seat; one who loves to entertain; one who only thinks about his stomach; one who knows that the road to my home has pot-holes as deep as a pit-latrine; one who only comes to me when he wants my vote; one who has connections with high people but who I cannot guarantee will connect me to them, or that one who will tear open a rat and munch on its entrails?
This kneeling, pleading, bending over backwards- is it because they are SOOOO dying to serve me, or is it about the air-conditioned guzzlers and fully-funded perdiemed trips abroad.
A wide choice for the 68,000 voters of Kasangati, Wattuba, Gayaza, Kiteezi, Nangabo, Katadde, Wampewo, Bulamu, Masooli and Kabubbu to choose from the chest-thumpers, the power-hungry, the braggarts and the commoners.

So, my candidate of choice is ………

(Oh, I forgot that I am one of those disenfranchised (Oh, how I love saying that word!) Ugandans. And something else that I know from the two long nights I spent at the Gombolola headquarters in Nangabo in May, is that many Kyadondo Eastians are not registered for the national ID.)